so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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