like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I need moral support for this bender
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
