I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
