so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
