Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
