I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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