They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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