And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
