the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
