apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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