her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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