burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
