i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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