On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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