One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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