i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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