I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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