I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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