well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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