You can't special order awesome
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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