So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
