my phone needs a breathalizer
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
