She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
