this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
