New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
So squirting runs in the family.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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