thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's shark week go big or go home
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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