Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
We left the knife in your bed.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
