I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
