So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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