HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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