I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
