Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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