Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
