i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
