forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Randomize
