i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
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