he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
