By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
They took my balls.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
