pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
