I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
