So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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