My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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