oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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