she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
