I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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