my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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