I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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