I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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