i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
