dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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