How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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