I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I forget how to act sober
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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