just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Randomize
