its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
