I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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