she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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