I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm at about main and main street
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
