it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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