Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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