he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize