Soap is not a condiment
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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